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It is the responsibility of the bride's family to announce the wedding in the local newspaper. The announcement should include: A photograph of the bride (A high school yearbook picture is acceptable); Name of the groom, education completed by both bride and groom (do not include elementary school, unless that was the terminal degree.); current employment and planned residence after the ceremony (If living with the bride's parents, it is not necessary to specify where in the house you will reside).

Invitations:

Since you are having a planned wedding and you are expecting a lot of free stuff, you must send out invitations! They do not have to be lengthy. Something like "You are invited to watch John Smith and Jennifer Johnson make it legal on March 14, 2000." will suffice nicely. If you don't want to be so formal, you can always run down to the local bar and yell "If you aint doing nothin' on the 14th of March, why don't you stop by my house for a cold one about 2 o'clock. Me and Jennifer's having some friends over to watch the ball game and witness our weddin'."

Proper attire:

For the bride, the key words are "be conservative." No matter how good it may look, refrain from wedding outfits made with spandex or adorned with fringe. Excessive slits and dips also are frowned upon. This is not the occasion to show the world how big "they" are.

For the groom, a rented tuxedo is haute courture, but if it means the difference between going on a honeymoon and staying home, concider some alternatives. For example, a leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean work shirt can create a natty appearence. And though possibly uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

The ceremony:

No matter how urgent the event, loaded weapons have no place at the alter. At the point in the ceremony that says, "If anybody has any reason why these two should no be joined in holy matrimony..." tell the preacher not to pause too long, old flames sometimes die hard and talk too much.

Reception:

Remember to reserve the hall far in advance, and avoid Saturdays, since that's bingo night. It is perfectly acceptable to ask guests to wipe their feet before entering the hall. After all the cleaning deposit can be the difference between an oil change and a full tune-up for the car.

When dancing never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is!

Common wedding questions and answers

Q: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
A: Not if you are the groom.

Q: How many showers is the bride supposed to have?
A: At least one within a week of the wedding.

Q: What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
A: Anything except "Tied to the Whipping Post".]]> http://redneckjokes.informationresourcenetwork.com/index.php?entry=entry080625-132436 Information Resource Network rnj@informationresourcenetwork.com Wed, 25 Jun 2008 20:24:36 GMT http://redneckjokes.informationresourcenetwork.com/comments.php?y=08&m=06&entry=entry080625-132436 http://redneckjokes.informationresourcenetwork.com/index.php?entry=entry080524-191539
It's is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.

When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.

For the groom: A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.]]> http://redneckjokes.informationresourcenetwork.com/index.php?entry=entry080524-191539 Information Resource Network rnj@informationresourcenetwork.com Sun, 25 May 2008 02:15:39 GMT http://redneckjokes.informationresourcenetwork.com/comments.php?y=08&m=05&entry=entry080524-191539 http://redneckjokes.informationresourcenetwork.com/index.php?entry=entry080512-190327
The opening Ceremony would be a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle rockets.

Doves released during opening ceremonies would be promptly shot by the crowd and sold as concession snacks.

The big event would be the 100m Cousinchase.

Another big event would be moonshine making.

The decathlon would be cancelled because no one would know what it meant.

Instead of shooting at boring targets, archers would shoot at muskrats and ATF agents.

]]> http://redneckjokes.informationresourcenetwork.com/index.php?entry=entry080512-190327 Information Resource Network rnj@informationresourcenetwork.com Tue, 13 May 2008 02:03:27 GMT http://redneckjokes.informationresourcenetwork.com/comments.php?y=08&m=05&entry=entry080512-190327 http://redneckjokes.informationresourcenetwork.com/index.php?entry=entry080505-195006
You've ever drunk mouthwash just because you're too lazy to walk down to the liquor store.

Your homecoming basketball game was rained out.

Your baseball bat "ain't never been used on a ball, but it's sure hit plenty of other things."

Your kids learned to shoot before they learned to walk.

You place a classified asking less than $1.

You think the freeway is the back door of the movie theater.

Higher math means counting over 10.

The lake has to be restocked after you take a bath.]]> http://redneckjokes.informationresourcenetwork.com/index.php?entry=entry080505-195006 Information Resource Network rnj@informationresourcenetwork.com Tue, 06 May 2008 02:50:06 GMT http://redneckjokes.informationresourcenetwork.com/comments.php?y=08&m=05&entry=entry080505-195006 http://redneckjokes.informationresourcenetwork.com/index.php?entry=entry080425-195031
"Give the poor man a drink of whiskey," a little old lady said.

"Give him some air," a man cried out.

"Give him some whiskey," she cried again.

Several other suggestions were made and the victim suddenly sat up and hollered, "Will all of you shut up and listen to the little old lady?"
]]> http://redneckjokes.informationresourcenetwork.com/index.php?entry=entry080425-195031 Information Resource Network rnj@informationresourcenetwork.com Sat, 26 Apr 2008 02:50:31 GMT http://redneckjokes.informationresourcenetwork.com/comments.php?y=08&m=04&entry=entry080425-195031 http://redneckjokes.informationresourcenetwork.com/index.php?entry=entry080424-234354
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy interrupts him and says, "You stay out of this mister-- I'm talking to the smart mouth little fella on your knee!"]]> http://redneckjokes.informationresourcenetwork.com/index.php?entry=entry080424-234354 Information Resource Network rnj@informationresourcenetwork.com Fri, 25 Apr 2008 06:43:54 GMT http://redneckjokes.informationresourcenetwork.com/comments.php?y=08&m=04&entry=entry080424-234354 http://redneckjokes.informationresourcenetwork.com/index.php?entry=entry080404-221715
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"

"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"]]> http://redneckjokes.informationresourcenetwork.com/index.php?entry=entry080404-221715 Information Resource Network rnj@informationresourcenetwork.com Sat, 05 Apr 2008 03:17:15 GMT http://redneckjokes.informationresourcenetwork.com/comments.php?y=08&m=04&entry=entry080404-221715 http://redneckjokes.informationresourcenetwork.com/index.php?entry=entry080321-164744
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."

The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."]]> http://redneckjokes.informationresourcenetwork.com/index.php?entry=entry080321-164744 Information Resource Network rnj@informationresourcenetwork.com Fri, 21 Mar 2008 21:47:44 GMT http://redneckjokes.informationresourcenetwork.com/comments.php?y=08&m=03&entry=entry080321-164744 http://redneckjokes.informationresourcenetwork.com/index.php?entry=entry080313-221536
They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind."

One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.

Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other Redneck. "Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!"]]> http://redneckjokes.informationresourcenetwork.com/index.php?entry=entry080313-221536 Information Resource Network rnj@informationresourcenetwork.com Fri, 14 Mar 2008 03:15:36 GMT http://redneckjokes.informationresourcenetwork.com/comments.php?y=08&m=03&entry=entry080313-221536 http://redneckjokes.informationresourcenetwork.com/index.php?entry=entry080306-222357
He first interviews Jim Bob. After 15 minutes he completes the interview. Jim Bob barely passes.

Next he interviews Luke. He begins by asking the usual transportation related questions. Luke also barely passes.

The personnel manager next interviews them together.

He presents them with this potential problem: Now Jim Bob and Luke, lets say that you two are a driving team. One of you is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of steel on the truck. All of a sudden your breaks go out and your speed is increasing. What would be the first thing you'd do?

About a minute passes and there was no answer. Then, all of a sudden Luke spoke up.

"I know, I know, I know the first thing I'd do". The personnel manager says "Yes Luke, what is the first thing you'd do?" Luke says, "I'd wake Jim Bob up." The personnel manager replies, "WHAT! "Why would wake Jim Bob up?"

Cus, says Luke, "He ain't never seen no big accident before!"]]> http://redneckjokes.informationresourcenetwork.com/index.php?entry=entry080306-222357 Information Resource Network rnj@informationresourcenetwork.com Fri, 07 Mar 2008 04:23:57 GMT http://redneckjokes.informationresourcenetwork.com/comments.php?y=08&m=03&entry=entry080306-222357